G.I. Joe: Retaliation: No. Just no.

1 Apr

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Okay, let me preface this by saying I am in a…..not great mood. I’m really restless and uncomfortable and slouching around groaning loudly. And not like a sexy groan. Like a bear dying.  So if this review doesn’t make much sense you can chalk it up to that.

So. This movie is called G.I Joe: Retaliation. So right off the bat you know it sucks. But my brother wanted to see it and I’m a super great sister so I totally went I must say, I was pretty excited for Channing Tatum[‘s abs]. In a very sad turn of events, he is not in the movie very much. So then I had to stare at Dwayne Johnson’s shiny bald head for two hours. Why is he head so egg shaped and his neck so short? People give Adam Sandler shit about having an egg shaped head but Sandler’s got nothing on THE ROCK.

We did not see this movie in 3D. Do you know why? Because 3D sucks balls and its really expensive.

Everyone is this movie had a very silly nickname. It’s so blatantly obvious that this movie is targeted at adolescent boys that I found it pretty difficult to watch. Hey, do you know what 14 year old boys have good taste in? FUCKING NOTHING.

Do you want to know what this movie is about? I’ll tell you. It’s about the bad guys, and they want to take over the world. And the good guys, they DON’T want the bad guys to take over the world. So then they fight. ON A CLIFF. IN THE AIR. ON THE GROUND. So. Many. Ways. So many fights.

Seriously though, I like action movies. Even dumb ones. I really liked the Expendables II. That was fun. This wasn’t fun. There were actually some interesting sub-stories in this movie, and maybe if they had expanded on those or brought them more to the forefront of the movie, it wouldn’t have been so bland. Nobody cared about the plot in this movie. Not even the director. Not even THE ROCK.  Any good parts in this movie? I guess the special effects were good and the scene where the ninjas fight on the cliff made me feel sick because it was very realistic. I do not like heights.

Recommendation:           No.  NOPENOPENOPE.

P.S. I also didn’t appreciate the way in which I was HOUNDED with commercials for this movie. If I hear the line “The G.I. Joes were terminated with extreme prejudice” one more time, I’ll make like a real bear and start ripping faces off. 

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One Response to “G.I. Joe: Retaliation: No. Just no.”

  1. Mhairi April 1, 2013 at 11:44 am #

    Not meant to be funny?? This had me laughing out loud in class. You are definitely a better sibling than I for suffering through this.

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